Sometimes it can be so incredibly terrifying, and I forget how to breath. But after some time the initial fear of the new beginning turns into bliss and exhilaration. In all honesty, I have become addicted to new beginnings. Even in my apartment, I am always trying to rearrange things. Make it new! But my boyfriend doesn’t love this so much. He would prefer that the things in our apartment have “forever homes.” I love this about him so I think I’ve been doing good at having a balance of movement and stability…at least in our apartment. But finding that balance in my life is much more difficult.
I have been living in Prague longer than I have lived anywhere in the past three years, so I guess that’s some form of stability. But I am an English teacher here, which means constant movement and change with my schedule and my classes. The nature of being an English teacher=flux. There are not many people who decide to make being an English teacher in Prague their “forever home.” That’s definitely not my plan. This was always going to be a temporary thing. I’ve already been here longer than I thought I would. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here! But it was never something I expected. So even the decision to stay here longer was a new beginning for me. That’s what is so special about new beginnings. They can happen anywhere at anytime. It can happen in your hometown, it can happen a week before you leave a city you’ve been living in for 10 months, it can happen inside of you, it can happen today, tomorrow, in the next minute. Sometimes in order you have a new beginning, all you have to do is take the opportunity….
but sometimes a new beginning means making many new decisions, breaking old habits, fighting for what you want and need, and striving for something better. These are the most difficult kinds of new beginnings.
Sometimes I feel paralyzed in my decisions. I think we all reach a certain age when each decision seems to carry so much more weight than they used to. Every dollar (pound, crown, whatever currency you use) we spend seems so heavy. It’s terrifying. I don’t know what the hell I am going to do after I leave Prague. I know my visa and my lease ends in 8 months. I don’t know how this will affect my relationship. I don’t know how I will manage financially. I don’t know where I will go or what I will do. I know I don’t want to go back home and work in a grocery store. I know a part of me is terrified to even think about it. But, I know the kind of person I am, and this I have to trust. No matter the weight of any decision, there is a core we each have that guides us. And the core that guides me knows that I need movement and stability. I will fight for this. No matter what my future holds, I will embrace it and make the best of it–and if I am not fully satisfied, I will work to change it, because that’s the kind of person I am. I may not be able to see the future, or know what new beginnings lie ahead
…but I do know I can trust the future because I trust myself.
Cheer to new beginnings. I am scared, but I am brave.
Bring it on.